MAN-GIRL RELATIONSHIPS

THE SECOND IN A LOVE PROMISED SERIES
13 FEBRUARY 2013

"Some women look for fathers to make boyfreinds/husbands so they can remain little girls & not have to be responsible or think # dysfunctional

 & some men would like a daughter in a relationship who doesn't challenge them, so they could feel more wanted more powerful #dysfunctional "Nonkululeko Ndlovu, January 13 2013-Twitter

South Africa's history of apartheid stole fatherhood. Some men were taken into armies, some had to leave their families to fight for the country, some were exiled some were taken into the cities to work as cheap labour, and some were present but were so damaged  that they couldn't be fully present for their families. Women were left to their own devices with the children. Absentee fatherhood is a huge challenge.  After apartheid ended we didn't figure out a way to rehabilitate the men back into being husbands and fathers. We simply expected them to shape up and get back to being fathers and husbands with no thought of the psychological factors.

What this created is some irresponsible fatherhood and husbands.  Unless the man involved realises the need to do the work. This created girls who were desperate for fathers. What we have to realise is that emotional & physical neglect is just as much abusive as physical beating, they both say "You're not worthy". So we have many women who seek their fathers through lovers. This creates a very dysfunctional relationship. A  much publicised  example would be Khanyi Mbau and Mandla Mthembu. Khanyi was 19 and Mandla was 49 when they first started dating. Mandla had an ex-wife and four children. He had scored big in terms of money and allegedly wanted to show the people  from his past that he had made it. Khanyi wanted a man who was rich and could take care of her, she was famous and now needed the man & the  money to go with it.

Some of these men have a huge void in their self-esteem  therefore also seek women they can baby, control and look after, girls or underdeveloped women who would worship them to feed their egos. In their subconscious and perhaps their minds they are not seeking an equal partner who would share responsibility and answer back.

Here is a powerful explanation from an article by Dr Arthur Janov called Neurosis. "Neurotic needs are unnatural ones — they develop from the nonsatisfaction of real needs. We are not born in this world needing to hear praise, but when a child's real efforts are denigrated virtually from birth, when he is made to feel that nothing he can do will be good enough for him to be loved by his parents, he may develop a craving for praise. Similarly, the need to express oneself as a child can be suppressed, even by the lack of anyone listening. Such denial may turn into a need to talk incessantly.

Unfulfilled needs supersede any other activity in the human until they are met. When needs are met, the child can feel. He can experience his body and his environment. When needs are not met, the child experiences only tension, which is feeling disconnected from consciousness. Without that necessary connection, the neurotic does not feel. Neurosis is the pathology of feeling."

Let me spell this out: The man provides everything for the little girl, money, food, clothes, board or lodging in return  she must look good, and give the man a demi-god status of obedience and praise-mostly with no questions asked  in addition not enquire about the things that really matter so that  she can be controlled. In most cases, she wouldn't know if the the house is bought or rented, how much cash flow it takes to run a household, how to earn money, and wouldn't have any kind of independence. This would ensure that this man is revered, worshipped and obeyed.

The girl must make sure she looks good, caters to the man's every whim (no matter how unreasonable these whims maybe) this includes making him look good in front of his freinds and the general public. Her reward is to not worry about financial security (this in itself is an illusion, as eventually it's disempowering ).

This is what is referred to as Neurosis. Trying to feed your psychological needs (a deficit from childhood) by physical outward things. She is looking to fill the position of an absentee father, he is looking to fill the position of a daughter he never had, or never showed up for,or a parent who wasn't emotionally available for him. Or perhaps righting a past of  a domineering mother or past lover through a controlled daughter. This is again a perverted order, not an eqaul partnership for a shared vision, but manipulation, control, dominance and enslavement .

Here is the tragedy: No matter how hard she tries she can never fill the need to make him feel loved and wanted from a deficit he has in his head , he can never fill the position of the father who was never present. The more she submits to him, the more neurotic and domineering he becomes, the more abusive he becomes  to keep control and preventing an outcome he had in his past. He simply replays the scenes in his head which helped to feed his paranoia of being unloved, unnoticed, rejected etc.  "In relationships two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a functional relationship # functional relationship"Nonkululeko Ndlovu, 13 January 2013-Twitter

WOMAN-BOY RELATIONSHIPS

PART 1 OF A LOVE PROMISED SERIES

SUNDAY 27 JANUARY 2013

There is a normalised thinking pattern happening in our country. It is what I call absolutes &  extremes. I do not believe in EXTREMES at all.

"Some women are looking for a man to look after (spiritually, financially, physically) & not an equal partner to attain a VISION with #Mother-Boy" Nonkululeko Ndlovu January 13 2013-twitter

For example just because one man may have broken my heart doesn't mean that all men are dogs, just because we lived under apartheid for so many years doesn't mean that all white people are racist. Just because journalists choose to write about the state of doom and crime doesn't mean that you will be robbed or shot  when you visit South Africa. Just because I am Pro-black doesn't mean I am anti-white. Why we have reduced life into these absolutes baffles me. In life there are shades of grey, and there is what I call context.

 The bible urges us to renew our minds. Why? because the world and our upbringing has taught us to be negative, and fear filled.

A number of women  have had bad relationships with their fathers and/or boyfriends.  Their resolution is to get a boy- in this case an under-developed man. Mainly so they could groom and train him to obey. It is what I and my friends call "marrying down". The marrying down is to design a perfect picture. The thinking in this is that: "if I train him, then I can control him and he won't hurt me, leave me, cheat on me, beat me".  This is an extreme. If God is so loving to be a God of free will, even if it means not following Him, why do we think controlling and manipulating men would have positive fruits?

There are men looking to replace their moms through a girlfriend or a wife so that they could carry on being boys, therefore this creates a co-dependent relationship. The woman needs the boy to feel powerful and in control, the man needs a replacement mom to remain a boy and not have to rise to the occasion of being a man.  A man by definition is the head of the household, a woman is an equal partner and the heart of the household, the minute we pervert this order we are in serious trouble. A perverted order will always create chaos, continually.

Let me share with you a recent experience a relative of mine despite being thirty-five years old is still a boy. In his relationships he is looking for a woman to look after him, so he could continue being irresponsible, partying, drinking, and feeding his lusts. He has no interest in loving or giving to another person.  His girlfriend pays the rent, she buys the food and buys his clothes. In a recent incident she gave him her money to go pay the rent and he squandered the money and disappeared and took her cell-phone in the process. Now she spends the next few weeks looking for him and calling everyone to find him and bring him back home only to repeat the cycle. Now let me explain, her low self worth tells her that she must "buy love "and toil in order to get and keep a man. Far be it for her to find and keep a man who is responsible and would look after her. This thought doesn't enter her mind because her experience has taught her that she doesn't deserve any better.

 I believe I have to discuss some of the issues that keep us as a people enslaved and trapped. Our moms over-compensated to their children by over-babying them, because they felt guilty about the men that left or lack of this or that. This particular man has never been responsible, he has a son who his mom looks after. He always has been able to con people to help him out of jail, problems etc. Two people need to grow and learn here if they want a functional life and relationships:  He needs to be left to his own devices in order to learn to be a true grown man, and his mother needs to stop hiding his faults and rescuing him out of guilt or shame, his girlfriend needs to let him go and wait for the man who will be present and show up for their relationship and pay the bills. Now she won't be able to control such a man, but if she truly does it out of love she won't need to control him. FEAR should never be a motivator for doing anything.

The second example is of a friend of mine who was tired of her experience of men. So she sought out a foreigner who was struggling and needed to be groomed into being a man. She set-about to pay for everything, and connect him with lucrative business deals. She thought by doing this it would create a marriage made in heaven because he would be forever indebted, and grateful to her therefore never cheat, beat her, or leave her. What transpired here (obviously) is that she grew richer, more powerful and he ceased to have a voice even though he grew as a man, why? because she felt he should be so grateful & obedient, basically to remain a boy . She would lend him the car for business meetings, but then he would also be reduced to being sent everywhere and being dominated. In other words she became a domineering man, and he was reduced to being a disenfranchised woman. Completely perverted order.

The more he wanted to grow and be heard, the more she wanted to remind him where he was when she met him so that he wouldn't think of leaving her or having some form of independence.

Here is my truth: I have been raped, but not all men are rapists I have actually met amazing loving and sensitive men. I have gone through domestic violence twice, but only some men are abusive. I have no interest in living in fear when choosing a partner. I have no interest in a man I can control and manipulate. I want to be free to love and trust completely and give my partner the independence to be himself so that if he still chooses to love me then I know it's for real. If by any chance he hurts or chooses to leave me, then that's his loss and he helps me to refine my search for my king, because the thing about Queens is that we need Kings, not servants or commoners who don't know our worth.

Enough Said!

ARE YOU A TALEBEARER?

ARE YOU A TALEBEARER?

How often do we tell ourselves that these are but small mistakes and we rather focus on how other people can do such BIG things: steal, defraud, kill, betray etc. These are the lies we tell ourselves.-we should deal with these issues so we can GROW because retrogression is a death. Much like a dog returns to it's vomit

I noticed something rather strange on my daily walks. I usually speak with workers in most  places I pass through. The conversations are usually casual. I greet, ask them how life is etc. Usually the conversation turns quickly into a complaint about their bosses. Now I am not one to say that there is never ill-treatment in the work place, but here is the scenario: you have just met me, you don't know who I am, and you are quick to be a tale bearer. This tells me you aren't to be trusted, because if nothing else your boss trusts you with his/her confidential information. Also why would you be so comfortable to tell a complete stranger all that information about someone else?

Now in our walk of life I would guess most of us have been through atleast one bad boss or employer. It is one of those  facts of life, it builds character, it teaches us life lessons, it strengthens our reserve, it teaches us to learn certain dynamics of human behaviour, and then for some fearless lions it pushes us into entrepreneurship.

Now here is a question, you pray for a job, you ask for income then with your mouth you curse the place and person from whence your income comes? Now since I'm assuming we know the law of sowing and reaping, blessing and cursing and that the power of life and death is in the tongue. Do you think your income will be blessed? Can the work of your hand be blessed in this scenario?  Can the income you are cursing bless your household? It is said and (I hope we know) that both sweet and bitter water cannot come from the same fountain so which one do you choose to flow out of your mouth?

Here is another scenario, say I was on the look out for new recruits. (often people ask me if I can get them a job, because their job and boss is horrible) Do you really think Im apt to employ someone so quick to gossip about their work and employer. How short-sighted tale-bearing seems to be.

The last scenario how many people do not have bosses because they do not have jobs, they do not have income, they do not have a place they can wake-up and go to, and are praying every night for the opportunity to be employed. If leadership is flawed let's address those issues in a proper platform and in the right way, I do think some of those people wouldn't even have the decency to address those issues directly to the person involved.

I have a friend who continuously complained about her boyfreind. Everytime we met she would go on about how he did this and didn't do this, that and the other. The very next day without fail she would appear with him holding hands and smiling. I really think this put us in an awkward position. How do we then view this boyfreind (and what happened to the discretion between two people in a relationship). I quickly made up my mind that the real problem was with her because how could you strip someone you claimed you had come to loathe so much and then be completely someone different the next day with him. Also what then becomes of this man's privacy & dignity?

I have not in my life been guilt-free of gossip and tale-bearing. However this past year it has been my daily prayer and meditation to ask God to assist me to be discreet and stay away from tale-bearing and gossip. Specifically also not to engage in complaining. To watch my mouth. 

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people-Roosevelt

Listen to this one: A talebearer reveals secrets:but he that us of a faithful spirit conceals the matter.

PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN

PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN

WEDNESDAY 26 SEPTEMBER

You know sometimes you may allow yourself the luxury of self-pity and wallowing, but I say most times PLAY THROUGH THE PAIN!

I play netball matches every Wednesday, I started this year. This particular Wednesday I had a

headache. Not just a headache but a seriously pounding, side-splitting, make you not think straight kind of headache. Not

wanting to let my team down, I drove slowly to  our game and got there an hour early hoping to sleep

it off before the game. By the time it had drawn near to the match the headache hadn't

relented.

 I went inside to tell our team captain that I would be sitting the game out & explained my

headache, she just looked at me and said  we were short of players and my position was needed.

 I took the uniform and put it on, coaching myself through the pain to stand in court and

block balls jump, yell etc, Netball is an aggressive sport.  I got to the middle of the game

and realised I had stopped thinking about  the headache and had rather focused on the game, and

winning.

When we finished the game, my head hadn't stopped pounding or rather I noticed my

headache again. We lost that game, but I'm glad our captain asked me to play.  I confirmed a very

important lesson: MOST OF THE TIME YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION TO PLAY THROUGH THE 

PAIN!

I once heard of a dancer who broke her toe or was it her ankle during a performance, and she caried on perfoming through the pain. When the curtains went down at the end of the show, she then collapsed in pain, and an ambulance was called. She had the injury half-way through the show! imagine dancing half-way through a show with a broken ankle?! At an actor's workshop I attended, there was a famous actress who related a part of her life. She said  her husband was telling her continuously at night before sleep and in the morning before going to work how fat she was, and how ugly she was. She would go to the bathroom and weep.  Then go straight to work and play the strong, loving, powerful woman she was expected to play. I simply left my emotions at the entrance of sabc she would say.

I read an inspiring story of a woman who had wanted to quit heroin, so she started walking and hiking as a matter of fact she wrote a book.

Here is the lesson: the situation won't always be right for you to do what you have to do, but discipline will carry you through. I also run and walk in the morning and sometimes believe me I don't feel like it or the weather isn't condusive, but most times I make the decision to leave the house and walk or run anyway. People always say I'll start in Summer, it's too cold, or it's too hot, im scared of crime etc, but the world doesn't make the circumstances hunky dorey for you to do what you have to do.

 South Africans when it rains, they stay indoors-well if you lived in Belgium you would never leave your house as it rains nine months out of the year! And guess what people carry on with their lives and whatever it is they have to do anyway.

I love the example of athletes, they force themselves to train through the most gruelling circumstances, come rain, hail, snow, headache, break-up, tiredness, pain, so that when the day of final race or competition arrives they have prepared  to endure through the worst.

My goal is to be able to swim 5h30am through all seasons, I did swim through this winter, but then it wasn't 5am it was more like 8am. So ill update you.

Mind over Matter, Mind over matter!

ARE YOU HUNGRY?!

Wednesday 5 September 2012

 Are you hungry? (ambitious,studious,goal-orientated,vision driven?)

 

Go to the  ant you sluggard;

consider her ways and be wise:

who having no guide, overseer, or ruler

Provides her food in the summer,

and gathers her food in the harvest.

How long will you sleep, O sluggard?

when will you rise out of your sleep?

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber

a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall your poverty come upon you like a vagabond,

and your want like an armed man.

I met a young lady about a week ago, who we started a conversation as a I did my hair. She seemed so pleasant and well-spoken.
In the conversation she felt comfortable enough to tell me she was struggling to have food to eat everyday, she has a six week old baby and her son was at home in Swaziland with her mom. She said it had become so challenging that she was considering taking her baby to her mom, and the father of the child wasn't assisting with the baby and had turned his back on them.

I am a mother, I understand the need for a mom to provide for her children and stay with them so she can raise them and give them good values and love. I appealed to her not to send such a young baby who was bonding with her mother through breast-feeding etc, the damage on the child could be immense, she said she really didn't want to so she really gave me her ear. I gave her my number and said we should keep in touch and if she was in a dire situation she could contact me. She contacted me not too long after that saying they don't have food in the house, I met with her twice more to give her money for food. The third time i met with her, I sat in the car with her and explained that me giving her money is not a sustainable solution. I explained to her that rather than give her food, or money for food everytime I'd rather impart to her knowledge of how she can be self-sufficient. I said it starts with good exercise in the morning (she is quite overweight, that just walking to the car leaves her out of breath) she retorted that she walks to work, I said yes I understand I was just trying to get her a regular walking routine so she gets stronger and healthier, and her mental alertness would then increase. I spoke to her about the importance of health, and choosing the right things to eat, so she has energy. I told her that I had dvds that she could sell to make extra money. I also told her that I knew that it wasn't easy but that I could help her and mentor her every step of the way, and would be able to assist until she gets her feet on the ground.

I noticed that she was now silent, holding the food she just bought she said I hear you and exited the car, she didn't ask me about the dvds or when we can start the program, or ask about me mentoring her etc. I really had to ask myself if she is REALLY HUNGRY?

And herein lies the problem, did shee just want pity and hand-outs? Was she just used to the damsel in distress cycle, which us women also perpetuate in our relationships. In the years since I have started my business I have disempowered people by continuing to assist them in the same way I did when I met them, i noticed growth didn't occur, so 2 years ago I decided against it and now, I only help people who can assist to fly on their own, it must have a timeline and a progress curriculum. I am not insensitive I have been in situtations where I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills, or find the next money to buy food, but this made me HUNGRY for success, I sought wisdom, I got books on successful people, I learnt how to do budgets and kept on enquiring.

The sad part about unemployment in our country is not most of the time unemployment but unemployability. The bible says the work is plenty but the laborours are few. Poverty and shame shall be to those that refuseth instruction. Another tragedy is grants, I don't believe in poverty grants, I don't believe in paying people for not working, I know im being controversial here! What motivates the one who gets money for not working, to go out and seek employment or start a business?

I am reading a book entitled The Gospel of Wealth by CK Kanu, and one page he relates how to get space to sell his goods he had to clean a basement full of excrement. Most of our adversity trains us for success, chastens us, teaches us. So our training really must be to train our minds to break the prisons we have in our minds.

Again consider the ant you sluggard, consider her ways & be wise

ANTS
Ants form colonies that range in size from a few dozen predatory individuals living in small natural cavities to highly organised colonies that may occupy large territories and consist of millions of individuals. Larger colonies consist mostly of sterile wingless females forming castes of "workers", "soldiers", or other specialised groups. Nearly all ant colonies also have some fertile males called "drones" and one or more fertile females called "queens". The colonies sometimes are described as superorganisms because the ants appear to operate as a unified entity, collectively working together to support the colony.^[5]
Ants have colonised almost every landmass on Earth. The only places lacking indigenous ants are Antarctica and a few remote or inhospitable islands. Ants thrive in most ecosystems and may form 15–25% of the terrestrial animal biomass.^[6] Their success in so many environments has been attributed to their social organisation and their ability to modify habitats, tap resources, and defend themselves. Their long co-evolution with other species has led to mimetic, commensal, parasitic, and mutualistic relationships.^[7]
Ant societies have division of labour, communication between individuals, and an ability to solve complex problems.^[8] These parallels with human societies have long been an inspiration and subject of study. Many human cultures make use of ants in cuisine, medication, and rituals. Some species are valued in their role as biological pest control agents.^[9] Their ability to exploit resources may bring ants into conflict with humans, however, as they can damage crops and invade buildings. Some species, such as the red imported fire ant, are regarded as invasive species, establishing themselves in areas where they have been introduced accidentally.^[10]

www.wikipedia.com

THE SILENT PERIOD-WEDNESDAY 22 AUGUST 2012

THE SILENT PERIOD

Wednesday

22 August 2012

I was just thinking, as an entrepreneur or someone who is paving your own path do you ever hear about the the silent period? does anyone ever tell us or prepare us for the silence in-between the wins, the successes, the breakthroughs. Literally where the phone doesn't ring, no-one comes to visit you, the emails are restricted to the websites you have subscribed to. The loneliness, wow. You have to fight those thoughts, the feelings of rejection and realise it's your testing and preparation period, you must indeed learn to monitor your thoughts and lift yourself up. All truly great men and women go through this. An Eagle has a period when it pull it's talons out and sits on the top of a mountain somewhere hidden from sight, and waits for new claws/talons to grow back. This ofcourse is a dangerous and vulnerable time for this mighty bird, but once it survives that it comes back stronger and more powerful! This is not a good time to get into a relationship or make major decisions until you win the mental fight for your strength. Don't operate from weakness or desperation. This is why it's important to have a schedule from when you wake-up, knowing that whatever happens, you excersise in the morning, you read, you rehearse, you write etc preparing for the suddenly to happen, because trust me it will happen suddenly. Suddenly some company will give you the contract, suddenly you will meet the love of your life, suddenly you will be met with a life-changing event, suddenly someone will bring you good news. This is a good time to fight the good fight of faith, no-matter how it looks, NEVER say die, never speak of failure or the possibility of it, Only keep speaking success, ignore what you are seeing and sometimes feeling, keep speaking abundance, command the phone to ring, call in those orders!

Here is wisdom: In returning & rest shall you be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength Isaiah 30:15