WOMAN-BOY RELATIONSHIPS

PART 1 OF A LOVE PROMISED SERIES

SUNDAY 27 JANUARY 2013

There is a normalised thinking pattern happening in our country. It is what I call absolutes &  extremes. I do not believe in EXTREMES at all.

"Some women are looking for a man to look after (spiritually, financially, physically) & not an equal partner to attain a VISION with #Mother-Boy" Nonkululeko Ndlovu January 13 2013-twitter

For example just because one man may have broken my heart doesn't mean that all men are dogs, just because we lived under apartheid for so many years doesn't mean that all white people are racist. Just because journalists choose to write about the state of doom and crime doesn't mean that you will be robbed or shot  when you visit South Africa. Just because I am Pro-black doesn't mean I am anti-white. Why we have reduced life into these absolutes baffles me. In life there are shades of grey, and there is what I call context.

 The bible urges us to renew our minds. Why? because the world and our upbringing has taught us to be negative, and fear filled.

A number of women  have had bad relationships with their fathers and/or boyfriends.  Their resolution is to get a boy- in this case an under-developed man. Mainly so they could groom and train him to obey. It is what I and my friends call "marrying down". The marrying down is to design a perfect picture. The thinking in this is that: "if I train him, then I can control him and he won't hurt me, leave me, cheat on me, beat me".  This is an extreme. If God is so loving to be a God of free will, even if it means not following Him, why do we think controlling and manipulating men would have positive fruits?

There are men looking to replace their moms through a girlfriend or a wife so that they could carry on being boys, therefore this creates a co-dependent relationship. The woman needs the boy to feel powerful and in control, the man needs a replacement mom to remain a boy and not have to rise to the occasion of being a man.  A man by definition is the head of the household, a woman is an equal partner and the heart of the household, the minute we pervert this order we are in serious trouble. A perverted order will always create chaos, continually.

Let me share with you a recent experience a relative of mine despite being thirty-five years old is still a boy. In his relationships he is looking for a woman to look after him, so he could continue being irresponsible, partying, drinking, and feeding his lusts. He has no interest in loving or giving to another person.  His girlfriend pays the rent, she buys the food and buys his clothes. In a recent incident she gave him her money to go pay the rent and he squandered the money and disappeared and took her cell-phone in the process. Now she spends the next few weeks looking for him and calling everyone to find him and bring him back home only to repeat the cycle. Now let me explain, her low self worth tells her that she must "buy love "and toil in order to get and keep a man. Far be it for her to find and keep a man who is responsible and would look after her. This thought doesn't enter her mind because her experience has taught her that she doesn't deserve any better.

 I believe I have to discuss some of the issues that keep us as a people enslaved and trapped. Our moms over-compensated to their children by over-babying them, because they felt guilty about the men that left or lack of this or that. This particular man has never been responsible, he has a son who his mom looks after. He always has been able to con people to help him out of jail, problems etc. Two people need to grow and learn here if they want a functional life and relationships:  He needs to be left to his own devices in order to learn to be a true grown man, and his mother needs to stop hiding his faults and rescuing him out of guilt or shame, his girlfriend needs to let him go and wait for the man who will be present and show up for their relationship and pay the bills. Now she won't be able to control such a man, but if she truly does it out of love she won't need to control him. FEAR should never be a motivator for doing anything.

The second example is of a friend of mine who was tired of her experience of men. So she sought out a foreigner who was struggling and needed to be groomed into being a man. She set-about to pay for everything, and connect him with lucrative business deals. She thought by doing this it would create a marriage made in heaven because he would be forever indebted, and grateful to her therefore never cheat, beat her, or leave her. What transpired here (obviously) is that she grew richer, more powerful and he ceased to have a voice even though he grew as a man, why? because she felt he should be so grateful & obedient, basically to remain a boy . She would lend him the car for business meetings, but then he would also be reduced to being sent everywhere and being dominated. In other words she became a domineering man, and he was reduced to being a disenfranchised woman. Completely perverted order.

The more he wanted to grow and be heard, the more she wanted to remind him where he was when she met him so that he wouldn't think of leaving her or having some form of independence.

Here is my truth: I have been raped, but not all men are rapists I have actually met amazing loving and sensitive men. I have gone through domestic violence twice, but only some men are abusive. I have no interest in living in fear when choosing a partner. I have no interest in a man I can control and manipulate. I want to be free to love and trust completely and give my partner the independence to be himself so that if he still chooses to love me then I know it's for real. If by any chance he hurts or chooses to leave me, then that's his loss and he helps me to refine my search for my king, because the thing about Queens is that we need Kings, not servants or commoners who don't know our worth.

Enough Said!