PART 1 OF A LOVE PROMISED SERIES
SUNDAY 27 JANUARY 2013
There is a normalised thinking pattern happening in our
country. It is what I call absolutes &
extremes. I do not believe in EXTREMES at all.
"Some women are looking for a man to look after
(spiritually, financially, physically) & not an equal partner to attain a VISION
with #Mother-Boy" Nonkululeko Ndlovu January 13 2013-twitter
For example just because one man may have broken my heart
doesn't mean that all men are dogs, just because we lived under apartheid for
so many years doesn't mean that all white people are racist. Just because
journalists choose to write about the state of doom and crime doesn't mean that
you will be robbed or shot when you
visit South Africa. Just because I am Pro-black doesn't mean I am anti-white.
Why we have reduced life into these absolutes baffles me. In life there are
shades of grey, and there is what I call context.
The bible urges us to
renew our minds. Why? because the world and our upbringing has taught us to be
negative, and fear filled.
A number of women have had bad relationships with their fathers
and/or boyfriends. Their resolution is
to get a boy- in this case an under-developed man. Mainly so they could groom
and train him to obey. It is what I and my friends call "marrying
down". The marrying down is to design a perfect picture. The thinking in
this is that: "if I train him, then I can control him and he won't hurt
me, leave me, cheat on me, beat me".
This is an extreme. If God is so loving to be a God of free will, even
if it means not following Him, why do we think controlling and manipulating men
would have positive fruits?
Let me share with you a recent experience a relative of mine
despite being thirty-five years old is still a boy. In his relationships he is
looking for a woman to look after him, so he could continue being
irresponsible, partying, drinking, and feeding his lusts. He has no interest in
loving or giving to another person. His girlfriend
pays the rent, she buys the food and buys his clothes. In a recent incident she
gave him her money to go pay the rent and he squandered the money and disappeared
and took her cell-phone in the process. Now she spends the next few weeks
looking for him and calling everyone to find him and bring him back home only
to repeat the cycle. Now let me explain, her low self worth tells her that she must
"buy love "and toil in order to get and keep a man. Far be it for her
to find and keep a man who is responsible and would look after her. This
thought doesn't enter her mind because her experience has taught her that she
doesn't deserve any better.
I believe I have to
discuss some of the issues that keep us as a people enslaved and trapped. Our
moms over-compensated to their children by over-babying them, because they felt
guilty about the men that left or lack of this or that. This particular man has
never been responsible, he has a son who his mom looks after. He always has
been able to con people to help him out of jail, problems etc. Two people need
to grow and learn here if they want a functional life and relationships: He needs to be left to his own devices in
order to learn to be a true grown man, and his mother needs to stop hiding his
faults and rescuing him out of guilt or shame, his girlfriend needs to let him
go and wait for the man who will be present and show up for their relationship
and pay the bills. Now she won't be able to control such a man, but if she
truly does it out of love she won't need to control him. FEAR should never be a
motivator for doing anything.
The second example is of a friend of mine who was tired of
her experience of men. So she sought out a foreigner who was struggling and
needed to be groomed into being a man. She set-about to pay for everything, and
connect him with lucrative business deals. She thought by doing this it would
create a marriage made in heaven because he would be forever indebted, and grateful
to her therefore never cheat, beat her, or leave her. What transpired here
(obviously) is that she grew richer, more powerful and he ceased to have a
voice even though he grew as a man, why? because she felt he should be so grateful
& obedient, basically to remain a boy . She would lend him the car for
business meetings, but then he would also be reduced to being sent everywhere
and being dominated. In other words she became a domineering man, and he was
reduced to being a disenfranchised woman. Completely perverted order.
The more he wanted to grow and be heard, the more she wanted
to remind him where he was when she met him so that he wouldn't think of
leaving her or having some form of independence.
Here is my truth: I have been raped, but not all men are
rapists I have actually met amazing loving and sensitive men. I have gone
through domestic violence twice, but only some men are abusive. I have no
interest in living in fear when choosing a partner. I have no interest in a man
I can control and manipulate. I want to be free to love and trust completely
and give my partner the independence to be himself so that if he still chooses
to love me then I know it's for real. If by any chance he hurts or chooses to
leave me, then that's his loss and he helps me to refine my search for my king,
because the thing about Queens is that we need Kings, not servants or commoners
who don't know our worth.
Enough Said!
