MAN-GIRL RELATIONSHIPS

THE SECOND IN A LOVE PROMISED SERIES
13 FEBRUARY 2013

"Some women look for fathers to make boyfreinds/husbands so they can remain little girls & not have to be responsible or think # dysfunctional

 & some men would like a daughter in a relationship who doesn't challenge them, so they could feel more wanted more powerful #dysfunctional "Nonkululeko Ndlovu, January 13 2013-Twitter

South Africa's history of apartheid stole fatherhood. Some men were taken into armies, some had to leave their families to fight for the country, some were exiled some were taken into the cities to work as cheap labour, and some were present but were so damaged  that they couldn't be fully present for their families. Women were left to their own devices with the children. Absentee fatherhood is a huge challenge.  After apartheid ended we didn't figure out a way to rehabilitate the men back into being husbands and fathers. We simply expected them to shape up and get back to being fathers and husbands with no thought of the psychological factors.

What this created is some irresponsible fatherhood and husbands.  Unless the man involved realises the need to do the work. This created girls who were desperate for fathers. What we have to realise is that emotional & physical neglect is just as much abusive as physical beating, they both say "You're not worthy". So we have many women who seek their fathers through lovers. This creates a very dysfunctional relationship. A  much publicised  example would be Khanyi Mbau and Mandla Mthembu. Khanyi was 19 and Mandla was 49 when they first started dating. Mandla had an ex-wife and four children. He had scored big in terms of money and allegedly wanted to show the people  from his past that he had made it. Khanyi wanted a man who was rich and could take care of her, she was famous and now needed the man & the  money to go with it.

Some of these men have a huge void in their self-esteem  therefore also seek women they can baby, control and look after, girls or underdeveloped women who would worship them to feed their egos. In their subconscious and perhaps their minds they are not seeking an equal partner who would share responsibility and answer back.

Here is a powerful explanation from an article by Dr Arthur Janov called Neurosis. "Neurotic needs are unnatural ones — they develop from the nonsatisfaction of real needs. We are not born in this world needing to hear praise, but when a child's real efforts are denigrated virtually from birth, when he is made to feel that nothing he can do will be good enough for him to be loved by his parents, he may develop a craving for praise. Similarly, the need to express oneself as a child can be suppressed, even by the lack of anyone listening. Such denial may turn into a need to talk incessantly.

Unfulfilled needs supersede any other activity in the human until they are met. When needs are met, the child can feel. He can experience his body and his environment. When needs are not met, the child experiences only tension, which is feeling disconnected from consciousness. Without that necessary connection, the neurotic does not feel. Neurosis is the pathology of feeling."

Let me spell this out: The man provides everything for the little girl, money, food, clothes, board or lodging in return  she must look good, and give the man a demi-god status of obedience and praise-mostly with no questions asked  in addition not enquire about the things that really matter so that  she can be controlled. In most cases, she wouldn't know if the the house is bought or rented, how much cash flow it takes to run a household, how to earn money, and wouldn't have any kind of independence. This would ensure that this man is revered, worshipped and obeyed.

The girl must make sure she looks good, caters to the man's every whim (no matter how unreasonable these whims maybe) this includes making him look good in front of his freinds and the general public. Her reward is to not worry about financial security (this in itself is an illusion, as eventually it's disempowering ).

This is what is referred to as Neurosis. Trying to feed your psychological needs (a deficit from childhood) by physical outward things. She is looking to fill the position of an absentee father, he is looking to fill the position of a daughter he never had, or never showed up for,or a parent who wasn't emotionally available for him. Or perhaps righting a past of  a domineering mother or past lover through a controlled daughter. This is again a perverted order, not an eqaul partnership for a shared vision, but manipulation, control, dominance and enslavement .

Here is the tragedy: No matter how hard she tries she can never fill the need to make him feel loved and wanted from a deficit he has in his head , he can never fill the position of the father who was never present. The more she submits to him, the more neurotic and domineering he becomes, the more abusive he becomes  to keep control and preventing an outcome he had in his past. He simply replays the scenes in his head which helped to feed his paranoia of being unloved, unnoticed, rejected etc.  "In relationships two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a functional relationship # functional relationship"Nonkululeko Ndlovu, 13 January 2013-Twitter

WOMAN-BOY RELATIONSHIPS

PART 1 OF A LOVE PROMISED SERIES

SUNDAY 27 JANUARY 2013

There is a normalised thinking pattern happening in our country. It is what I call absolutes &  extremes. I do not believe in EXTREMES at all.

"Some women are looking for a man to look after (spiritually, financially, physically) & not an equal partner to attain a VISION with #Mother-Boy" Nonkululeko Ndlovu January 13 2013-twitter

For example just because one man may have broken my heart doesn't mean that all men are dogs, just because we lived under apartheid for so many years doesn't mean that all white people are racist. Just because journalists choose to write about the state of doom and crime doesn't mean that you will be robbed or shot  when you visit South Africa. Just because I am Pro-black doesn't mean I am anti-white. Why we have reduced life into these absolutes baffles me. In life there are shades of grey, and there is what I call context.

 The bible urges us to renew our minds. Why? because the world and our upbringing has taught us to be negative, and fear filled.

A number of women  have had bad relationships with their fathers and/or boyfriends.  Their resolution is to get a boy- in this case an under-developed man. Mainly so they could groom and train him to obey. It is what I and my friends call "marrying down". The marrying down is to design a perfect picture. The thinking in this is that: "if I train him, then I can control him and he won't hurt me, leave me, cheat on me, beat me".  This is an extreme. If God is so loving to be a God of free will, even if it means not following Him, why do we think controlling and manipulating men would have positive fruits?

There are men looking to replace their moms through a girlfriend or a wife so that they could carry on being boys, therefore this creates a co-dependent relationship. The woman needs the boy to feel powerful and in control, the man needs a replacement mom to remain a boy and not have to rise to the occasion of being a man.  A man by definition is the head of the household, a woman is an equal partner and the heart of the household, the minute we pervert this order we are in serious trouble. A perverted order will always create chaos, continually.

Let me share with you a recent experience a relative of mine despite being thirty-five years old is still a boy. In his relationships he is looking for a woman to look after him, so he could continue being irresponsible, partying, drinking, and feeding his lusts. He has no interest in loving or giving to another person.  His girlfriend pays the rent, she buys the food and buys his clothes. In a recent incident she gave him her money to go pay the rent and he squandered the money and disappeared and took her cell-phone in the process. Now she spends the next few weeks looking for him and calling everyone to find him and bring him back home only to repeat the cycle. Now let me explain, her low self worth tells her that she must "buy love "and toil in order to get and keep a man. Far be it for her to find and keep a man who is responsible and would look after her. This thought doesn't enter her mind because her experience has taught her that she doesn't deserve any better.

 I believe I have to discuss some of the issues that keep us as a people enslaved and trapped. Our moms over-compensated to their children by over-babying them, because they felt guilty about the men that left or lack of this or that. This particular man has never been responsible, he has a son who his mom looks after. He always has been able to con people to help him out of jail, problems etc. Two people need to grow and learn here if they want a functional life and relationships:  He needs to be left to his own devices in order to learn to be a true grown man, and his mother needs to stop hiding his faults and rescuing him out of guilt or shame, his girlfriend needs to let him go and wait for the man who will be present and show up for their relationship and pay the bills. Now she won't be able to control such a man, but if she truly does it out of love she won't need to control him. FEAR should never be a motivator for doing anything.

The second example is of a friend of mine who was tired of her experience of men. So she sought out a foreigner who was struggling and needed to be groomed into being a man. She set-about to pay for everything, and connect him with lucrative business deals. She thought by doing this it would create a marriage made in heaven because he would be forever indebted, and grateful to her therefore never cheat, beat her, or leave her. What transpired here (obviously) is that she grew richer, more powerful and he ceased to have a voice even though he grew as a man, why? because she felt he should be so grateful & obedient, basically to remain a boy . She would lend him the car for business meetings, but then he would also be reduced to being sent everywhere and being dominated. In other words she became a domineering man, and he was reduced to being a disenfranchised woman. Completely perverted order.

The more he wanted to grow and be heard, the more she wanted to remind him where he was when she met him so that he wouldn't think of leaving her or having some form of independence.

Here is my truth: I have been raped, but not all men are rapists I have actually met amazing loving and sensitive men. I have gone through domestic violence twice, but only some men are abusive. I have no interest in living in fear when choosing a partner. I have no interest in a man I can control and manipulate. I want to be free to love and trust completely and give my partner the independence to be himself so that if he still chooses to love me then I know it's for real. If by any chance he hurts or chooses to leave me, then that's his loss and he helps me to refine my search for my king, because the thing about Queens is that we need Kings, not servants or commoners who don't know our worth.

Enough Said!