MAN-GIRL RELATIONSHIPS

THE SECOND IN A LOVE PROMISED SERIES
13 FEBRUARY 2013

"Some women look for fathers to make boyfreinds/husbands so they can remain little girls & not have to be responsible or think # dysfunctional

 & some men would like a daughter in a relationship who doesn't challenge them, so they could feel more wanted more powerful #dysfunctional "Nonkululeko Ndlovu, January 13 2013-Twitter

South Africa's history of apartheid stole fatherhood. Some men were taken into armies, some had to leave their families to fight for the country, some were exiled some were taken into the cities to work as cheap labour, and some were present but were so damaged  that they couldn't be fully present for their families. Women were left to their own devices with the children. Absentee fatherhood is a huge challenge.  After apartheid ended we didn't figure out a way to rehabilitate the men back into being husbands and fathers. We simply expected them to shape up and get back to being fathers and husbands with no thought of the psychological factors.

What this created is some irresponsible fatherhood and husbands.  Unless the man involved realises the need to do the work. This created girls who were desperate for fathers. What we have to realise is that emotional & physical neglect is just as much abusive as physical beating, they both say "You're not worthy". So we have many women who seek their fathers through lovers. This creates a very dysfunctional relationship. A  much publicised  example would be Khanyi Mbau and Mandla Mthembu. Khanyi was 19 and Mandla was 49 when they first started dating. Mandla had an ex-wife and four children. He had scored big in terms of money and allegedly wanted to show the people  from his past that he had made it. Khanyi wanted a man who was rich and could take care of her, she was famous and now needed the man & the  money to go with it.

Some of these men have a huge void in their self-esteem  therefore also seek women they can baby, control and look after, girls or underdeveloped women who would worship them to feed their egos. In their subconscious and perhaps their minds they are not seeking an equal partner who would share responsibility and answer back.

Here is a powerful explanation from an article by Dr Arthur Janov called Neurosis. "Neurotic needs are unnatural ones — they develop from the nonsatisfaction of real needs. We are not born in this world needing to hear praise, but when a child's real efforts are denigrated virtually from birth, when he is made to feel that nothing he can do will be good enough for him to be loved by his parents, he may develop a craving for praise. Similarly, the need to express oneself as a child can be suppressed, even by the lack of anyone listening. Such denial may turn into a need to talk incessantly.

Unfulfilled needs supersede any other activity in the human until they are met. When needs are met, the child can feel. He can experience his body and his environment. When needs are not met, the child experiences only tension, which is feeling disconnected from consciousness. Without that necessary connection, the neurotic does not feel. Neurosis is the pathology of feeling."

Let me spell this out: The man provides everything for the little girl, money, food, clothes, board or lodging in return  she must look good, and give the man a demi-god status of obedience and praise-mostly with no questions asked  in addition not enquire about the things that really matter so that  she can be controlled. In most cases, she wouldn't know if the the house is bought or rented, how much cash flow it takes to run a household, how to earn money, and wouldn't have any kind of independence. This would ensure that this man is revered, worshipped and obeyed.

The girl must make sure she looks good, caters to the man's every whim (no matter how unreasonable these whims maybe) this includes making him look good in front of his freinds and the general public. Her reward is to not worry about financial security (this in itself is an illusion, as eventually it's disempowering ).

This is what is referred to as Neurosis. Trying to feed your psychological needs (a deficit from childhood) by physical outward things. She is looking to fill the position of an absentee father, he is looking to fill the position of a daughter he never had, or never showed up for,or a parent who wasn't emotionally available for him. Or perhaps righting a past of  a domineering mother or past lover through a controlled daughter. This is again a perverted order, not an eqaul partnership for a shared vision, but manipulation, control, dominance and enslavement .

Here is the tragedy: No matter how hard she tries she can never fill the need to make him feel loved and wanted from a deficit he has in his head , he can never fill the position of the father who was never present. The more she submits to him, the more neurotic and domineering he becomes, the more abusive he becomes  to keep control and preventing an outcome he had in his past. He simply replays the scenes in his head which helped to feed his paranoia of being unloved, unnoticed, rejected etc.  "In relationships two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a functional relationship # functional relationship"Nonkululeko Ndlovu, 13 January 2013-Twitter